i failed recently.

sometimes i think about moments in life that completely crushed me and… i want to cry. not because these moments are unpleasant, not because of self-pity, but because i surprise myself. i want to cry because i realize how much i’ve persevered. this is borderline narcissistic, but every single time i’ve failed at something, i get back up. immediately, without a second thought, and it hits me after-the-fact. when i realize that i’ve already moved forward, i get emotional. when i become aware of my ability to endure, i begin to recognize my own optimism and refusal to fail. i am relentless (although anxiety-filled). perseverance is such a corny word, but i’m learning to give myself more credit for it. i don’t even know when this was ever instilled in me, but never have i allowed my immediate failures to prevent me from reaching a long-term goal. i’m learning to give myself a pat on the back, and this level of self-love makes me proud. all i ever wanted was for people to be proud of me. i just wanted to be recognized. but not anymore. all of that was rooted in a lack of self-pride. and i’m not going to say i reject the need for validation from others, but i will say that validation of one’s self, myself, has become my priority. i’ve never been more content with who i am and who i aspire to be. even more so, i am proud of who i’m becoming. i keep my head up. i keep my back straight.

side note: i used to think it was smarter to be pessimistic. i even thought it was cool. i believed that optimists were naive. in order to be perceived as intelligent, i had to be logical. and often this mindset led me to be pessimistic, which truly clouded my perspective on life. i wanted to be intelligent because i thought (and still think) that intelligence is the most attractive aspect to an individual. but honestly, this just made me a dick, and i now think differently. intelligence, in it’s true form, stems from being optimistic. if i’m being honest, though, i do personally think that there’s a difference between choosing to be optimistic and just being optimistic. i think that the intelligent aspect of optimism must be preceded by pessimism. that one must experience the former to truly understand the value of the latter.