Parenting Note to Self — 11/30/2020

How do you instill ideologies and values into your children without putting them into a box that prevents them from developing their own beliefs as individuals?

Getting older kind of sucks and I can’t help but think a lot more about my future. (Getting married, having kids, where I want to live, etc.) To be honest, I don’t even know if I want to be married. (I probably will…eventually.) What I do know is that I want kid[s].

I haven’t really been alive for that long, but I’ve reflected a lot within the 24 years of my existence. With that being said, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself within the world around me and I continue to move throughout life contemplating what’s right and wrong, and everything else that falls in between.

And so, I feel that what I’ve gathered in life, thus far, are things that I wish I knew, things that I wish I understood growing up. This isn’t to say that my beliefs are any more valid than anyone else’s, but I’m confident in the perspectives I hold and I want to be able to pass them down. In a sense, my reason for wanting kids is to know that all this time I’ve spent in introspection doesn’t go to waste. I’m proud of who I’ve become and I take pride in my responses to the questions that I’ve asked myself. I don’t want them to die with me. Essentially, I don’t want to just leave my footprint on the grounds that I’ve stepped. I want a legacy that continues to spread because maybe, just maybe, I can leave something good in this world when I’m gone. Something that lasts. Otherwise, what’s the point of anything. I hate the thought of just existing, but in reality, it feels like that’s all we ever do.

So in an attempt to answer my own question:

I feel that all I can really do is provide guidance and respect that my child[ren] are going to be their own entities with journeys of their own. It’s easy to forget that what it took for me to get to this point is just a compilation of the actual time spent getting here.

Also, It almost feels a bit egotistical to think that any belief I have is right and that it should be spread into the future, but what’s the purpose of having kids if we don’t try to at least embed good things (what we believe to be good at least) within them. [Just going in circles here, tbh this is a valid point, but I will continue with the belief that I am just as capable, if not more capable of producing good than I am at producing evil.]

Anyways, on a less headache-inducing note/response:

As a parent I think the best way to go about instilling ideologies and values into your children without destroying their own agency is to suggest ideas rather than declare them. There are some basic things you’d obviously tell them is right and wrong. (Things that are non-negotiable/follow basic human decency.) Aside from that, it’d be important to suggest your own beliefs to your child and allow them to decide whether they agree or not. Bring up questions and topics and allow them to formulate their own opinions. In this way, we at the very least give them the opportunity to ponder these thoughts. It’s important to remember that (as obvious as this sounds) every answer must first start with a question. Give the children a foundation and let them be their own architects.

In my very own reflection of this thought journal:

I’ve realized that what I want most is for people, in general, to think about these things. Anybody can formulate an opinion, but not everybody will get a chance to do so if they never come across these questions. In retrospect of my own upbringing, I feel like I’ve always been the asker and the answerer. I was put in positions where I’d have to ask myself these things because it was my only way to cope with anything. This correlates with my need to find reason in anything and everything because otherwise, it feels like I’m no longer in control. Despite the negativity embedded in that retrospection, I’ve gotten better at shifting my need to find reason towards a more positive thought vehicle that’s driven by actually wanting to better myself as a person. And on a brighter note, I feel that seeking control, in this sense, is a good thing (although more difficult).

To be honest, I’m constantly exhausted by the questions I ask myself, (and I’m exhausted right now because I’ve dived extremely deep into this question the night before an exam) but I have no regrets. Sometimes I wish I learned all of this sooner, but it’s too much to think where I could’ve been, although I do think it would’ve prevented a lot of hardship and self-doubt.

Closing remarks:

We’re always learning and beliefs are not constant. They’re like derivatives. Continuous points on a graph that moves with respect to time. And so, with any belief, you must start with the initial point (the question), and ride along the curve that embodies the full derivation. (The answer.)